I'm obsessing this morning, and I really need to stop it. I'm obsessing about all of my pictures I have whether I am in them or not. I realized awhile ago that most of my pictures are tainted. They all have some sort of shitty ass memory associated with them. This one picture in particular hit me hard this morning as I came to realize that this picture is the day that all my summertime bullshit started to go down. I hate this picture now. I hate that I hate this picture because I'm damn cute in it, but every time I look at it I'm reminded that this is the day I first heard her name, a name that people actually call me sometimes because I guess it's too damn hard to remember the name April? This has been a lifetime of being called another name, and I don't expect it to end any time soon. I'm destined to be reminded of my friend and all the good and bad memories that come with her name for the rest of my days. I do realize, however, that I am in charge of my feelings, and I know I won't always feel this bad. I know hindsight is a damn tricky bullshit of a thing, but damnit, I thought I was a hell of a lot smarter than I acted for the past six, seven months.
I'm trying to own my sadness, own my actions, own my thoughts, and by owning them I am hoping to be able to let them go sooner rather than later. I have learned that nothing good comes out of holding onto bad memories or sad memories. It only hardens you, your soul, and I don't want to be that hard, cold person that I sometimes can be. I have amazing qualities, and I need to dig deep to remember that I am not as shitty as my past actions. I am not that hateful, spiteful bitch that I have let come out of me recently.
These actions and these verbal assaults I have spewed onto people make me sick to my stomach because that is not the person I am. It's amazing how "love" makes us do the unspeakable. In the end, that isn't what "love" is supposed to be about, and I deeply regret the words I have used to try to hurt people. It's amazing how hateful I can turn in a nanosecond.
I know I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I let others' actions affect me. This statement sounds so goddamn easy to put into practice, but it is by far the hardest thing I have had to conquer. I can admit it defeats me from time to time, especially as of late. I know that I need to reach out and apologize for the things I have said, but while part of my heart wants to apologize because I hate hurting people, the other part of my heart is guarded because the wounds are still fresh from "the summer antics that were." I guess I still don't trust myself that I can control how others' actions affect me. In fact, I know I can't say with certainty that I can let it go right now. When I apologize people look at that as a sign of weakness, and I can't trust that they won't get in there and try to break me again.
Of course, re-reading that paragraph makes me sound hard, but I'm not as tough as I sound. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself I'll be okay. I mean I know I will be of course, but it's a long process of healing that should have started long before my marriage started ending. While I wish I had realized that sooner, it will not change the fact that I have no control over my past. I have to learn to accept that what happened has changed the person I am, and eventually, it will have changed me for the better. No matter how bad I feel right now, this time around, I will learn about me, things I need to learn to be the person I wanted to be so long ago but never knew how to do it.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom