Monday, November 26, 2012

Five Years...

So apparently it is today, five years ago today that I was in a rented Jeep that had holes in the canopy driving down (or up) towards North Shore in Oahu to get married.  It was five years ago today that after the beach ceremony and heading back to Waikiki that it started to rain on our Jeep that had holes in the canopy.  Maybe that was a sign then of things to come.  Of course, if I had really been paying attention there were always signs around me even before that day five years ago in Hawaii. 

I'm sitting here this morning with an unexpected day off of work, a very cold November morning with a scarf around my neck (thanks Brandie), a coffee in a special mug made just for me (thanks Jilly), a heater under my desk (thanks Moca) and slippers on my feet (thanks again Jilly), and I know how much I wish this day was not being spent like this.  I mean it's not like my anniversary days were ever spent having tons of sex like a couple of in-lust teenagers skipping school or anything (thanks Brian), but I mean I surely didn't want to spend this day like "this" whatever the fuck "this" is supposed to be. 

I'm also sitting here alternating between pissed off and sad; pissed off that apparently for better or worse doesn't mean shit to a lot of people these days, and then sad because apparently I didn't give a shit about for better or worse at one point in time years ago and that the karma train finally reached me.  Whatever, whatever, I'm not riding down the pity party train or anything, but rather just being realistic.  I'm fucking sad and I'm supposed to own this shit or something like that.

I'm back to being pissed off now because I am wondering when the hell am I going to wake up and NOT have this shit on my mind and just start living my life.  This shit is exhausting and is breaking me and causing me to say, do, think some crazy shit, and I would really, really like to make it stop.  Clearly, as you can see, I don't know how to make it stop.  I'd really just love to wake up and start writing my blog about something not so heavy and find my inner awesome sense of humor again 'cause that's where it's at -- funny.  People like funny.  People come to read funny.  People stay for funny.  People didn't sign up for this mess of words I'm pretty sure about that.

*deep breath* *digging deep*

I'm going to get a move-on with this day and make it my bitch or at least try.  I'm hungry (that's a good sign) so I suppose I'll make some breakfast, do a little side work (thanks transcription) and focus on me and when the kids come home from school do my awesome mommy routine because let's face it, I'm pretty good at that shit when I try.

*cheers friends*

Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Non-Traditional Thanksgiving Ramblings

I suppose I am sitting here writing this in the hopes that if I put it "out there" I will quell the ever-annoying, bitching, whining voice inside my own head.  I know it's Thanksgiving, and I know I have more than a handful of things to be thankful for.  I really am thankful, but right now, the thought of pulling myself up and out of my bed, dressing in a manner that includes a bra and clean jeans and trying not to bring people down with my ever-annoying, bitching, whining out-loud voice is pretty freakin' exhausting at this juncture.

I can honestly admit that I don't know what my issue is or that I can find the words to accurately explain what I am feeling because this is what it is not -- I am not sad to be considered "single" again.  I am not sad that I answer to myself and only myself (oh and those little darlings of mine from time to time).  I am not sad (too much) that I have a full-time, well-paying job to go to.  I am not sad that I am in charge of me and the kids.  I am not sad that I get the final say overall.  I am most certainly not sad that I have a whole future ahead of what could bes instead of what ifs. 

Perhaps I'm mourning the what could have beens a little bit, but in reflecting upon that, there were more cons than there were pros to my "previous" life.  I suppose that's an underlying issue; that I wish I had been able to change the outcome or that I had the foresight or the instinct to know when things were going to shit.  Of course, however, there is always the flip side; I am meant to go down this path because this is what is meant for me and my family as something is waiting for us somewhere along here.

In re-reading this I am fully aware that I sound like a whining, sniveling little spoiled brat and that some people may be rolling their eyes saying, oh shut it April, because so many others have so much less than you or have it so much worse than you.  In response to any negativity from the public eye I will state that this is my life and this is what I am currently going through and I am the one that has to overcome this obstacle that's in front of me so keep your judging words away from me and focus on your own obstacles.  I am not on anyone else's road and they are not on mine so to each their own troubles and triumphs.

Regardless, I am thankful for many, many things in my life, and I don't take those lightly and/or for granted.  I suppose the most thankful thing I have is my mind; a mind that is able to process this bullshit and come to an understanding (eventually) and make sense out of what is going on with and around me.  It makes it a lot easier to learn, accept and move on from that which is trying to hold you down than it is to try and beat down and "win" against said thing that is trying to hold you down. (I should probably re-read that sentence two or three times to grasp what the hell I was trying to convey.)

If you've stuck with me this far into my ramblings, I thank you.  It just really helps to "put it out there" sometimes and bounce my words off of other people.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and no matter what your current situation may be, good or bad, that you make it your own and put a wonderful twist on it so that when the day is over you can lay your head down with a smile on your face.

*cheers my friends*

Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook 


Thursday, November 15, 2012


It's quite amazing how my emotions right now are on a day-to-day basis.  It's quite unnerving to go to bed at night not knowing how I'm going to feel in the morning.  I don't go to bed saying I'm going to feel like ass tomorrow and cry all day of course, but I have a few seconds of unrest hoping that I wake up stronger tomorrow than I woke up this morning. 

The rollercoaster ride has me riding a high today for which I am grateful for.  I know all this shit takes time, and I am an impatient girl for sure.  I'm trying not to wish for this process to speed up too much because it is in this process that I'm learning a lot about myself.  In order to learn about yourself, you need to take the time, as much time as is needed. 

I thank you friends and family who have reached out after my post yesterday.  I am humbled by your own stories of struggles and your ability to share them with me.  It means so much to me to be thought of and the time you have taken to write to me.  I can't express enough how grateful I am for you.  I am at a point in my world where I will no longer take the little things for granted.  However, the things you may think of as little, I consider big at this point.  An email with a story attached to it or a quick text message or a little "share" of something funny on Facebook to me, all these things, and many more, are big to me.  Your time is important as there is never enough time in our days, and the fact that you would use that time to think of me and send me some love is a big deal to me.

I am now looking forward to making many more memories and taking many more pictures that I can look at and smile and think how grateful I am to have my friends and family nearby.

*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Pictures Speak Volumes

I'm obsessing this morning, and I really need to stop it.  I'm obsessing about all of my pictures I have whether I am in them or not.  I realized awhile ago that most of my pictures are tainted.  They all have some sort of shitty ass memory associated with them.  This one picture in particular hit me hard this morning as I came to realize that this picture is the day that all my summertime bullshit started to go down.  I hate this picture now.  I hate that I hate this picture because I'm damn cute in it, but every time I look at it I'm reminded that this is the day I first heard her name, a name that people actually call me sometimes because I guess it's too damn hard to remember the name April?  This has been a lifetime of being called another name, and I don't expect it to end any time soon.  I'm destined to be reminded of my friend and all the good and bad memories that come with her name for the rest of my days.  I do realize, however, that I am in charge of my feelings, and I know I won't always feel this bad. I know hindsight is a damn tricky bullshit of a thing, but damnit, I thought I was a hell of a lot smarter than I acted for the past six, seven months.

I'm trying to own my sadness, own my actions, own my thoughts, and by owning them I am hoping to be able to let them go sooner rather than later.  I have learned that nothing good comes out of holding onto bad memories or sad memories.  It only hardens you, your soul, and I don't want to be that hard, cold person that I sometimes can be.  I have amazing qualities, and I need to dig deep to remember that I am not as shitty as my past actions.  I am not that hateful, spiteful bitch that I have let come out of me recently. 

These actions and these verbal assaults I have spewed onto people make me sick to my stomach because that is not the person I am.  It's amazing how "love" makes us do the unspeakable.  In the end, that isn't what "love" is supposed to be about, and I deeply regret the words I have used to try to hurt people.  It's amazing how hateful I can turn in a nanosecond.

I know I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I let others' actions affect me.  This statement sounds so goddamn easy to put into practice, but it is by far the hardest thing I have had to conquer.  I can admit it defeats me from time to time, especially as of late.  I know that I need to reach out and apologize for the things I have said, but while part of my heart wants to apologize because I hate hurting people, the other part of my heart is guarded because the wounds are still fresh from "the summer antics that were."  I guess I still don't trust myself that I can control how others' actions affect me.  In fact, I know I can't say with certainty that I can let it go right now.  When I apologize people look at that as a sign of weakness, and I can't trust that they won't get in there and try to break me again.

Of course, re-reading that paragraph makes me sound hard, but I'm not as tough as I sound.  I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself I'll be okay.  I mean I know I will be of course, but it's a long process of healing that should have started long before my marriage started ending.  While I wish I had realized that sooner, it will not change the fact that I have no control over my past.  I have to learn to accept that what happened has changed the person I am, and eventually, it will have changed me for the better.  No matter how bad I feel right now, this time around, I will learn about me, things I need to learn to be the person I wanted to be so long ago but never knew how to do it.

*cheers my friends*

Confessions of a Truu Mom

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Path Not Yet Taken

I have to tell you first off that I was afraid to sign on here and start talking to you guys because I was afraid of where it would take me.  I'm in a rare mood today, and I'd like to keep it that way.  However, when I logged on I saw that I was here last on October 10th, 2012.  That was only a little over a month ago.  I am both floored and saddened by that revelation.  It doesn't sound like much to anyone but myself because it feels that I have been gone from "here" for a lot longer than a month.  And I guess to be honest, I have been gone from "myself" for a lot longer than that.

I promised my (ex)husband that I would never write about him on my blog, and out of respect for him (and also the fact that he reads this from time to time in what I would like to think of as interest), I won't.  Besides, I'm not into bashing (so please respect my wishes of no man-bashing should you like to leave a comment or five) because that's not what "adults" do, and as much as I don't want to be, I am what most consider an adult.  With that being said, I won't talk about him per se, but I can't help but write about the goings-on in my world as of late -- and by late I mean holy-shit-how-long-this-whole-thing-really-was-I-can't-believe-I-made-it-out-alive type of lately.

I have no direction with this post tonight, but that's mainly because I am so focused on "direction" in my world for my kids' sake that I wouldn't even know where to begin here.  I know I, sadly, have been down this divorce road before, but this time it's different -- dare I say amicable for the most part.  For my dearest of friends who have heard me, been here for me, been my rock, my shoulder to lean on, I know you are rolling your eyes saying yeah, amicable my ass, but in comparison to my last go-around, this is a piece of cake.  And I suppose I should pause here and thank those who have, in fact, been my rock because if it were not for them, I would have succumbed to the despair I wanted to sink into.  I know I had my days, and will have my days, but these girls I love with all my being, I promise to make it all up to them.  I know they will say, oh please, that's what friends do, support each other, but for so many years I feel that I took them for granted.  They have shown me that they never left me and that I always had them to count on.

I didn't know where this first post of my new path was going to take me, and I like where it ended up.  I have so much to share, and I promise I will as I know you all are waiting impatiently for my stories.  I won't let you down.  Tonight though I will dedicate this post to my forever friends; Kathleen, Brandie, Bek -- without you guys I would have been forever lost.  I love the three of you with all my heart.  You are my true friends, and I thank you for saving me in the nick of time.  I owe you, Kathleen, many rounds of Miller Lites and perhaps throw in a chocolate martini with a little psychedelics for good luck.  I owe you, Brandie, many PBRs and crafty hand-made robots with hearts to show that they are as real as my adoration and love for you.  I owe you, Bek, a trip down to NOLA to celebrate your new life that is ahead of you and make some memories to last us till next year instead of 10 as our worlds have been meeting up since we met.

I owe a lot of people my love, and I will get to each and every one of you in some way for I am blessed to have been touched by more people than I thought cared about me.  I'm humbled, and I vow to never take you for granted again.

*cheers my friends*

Confessions of a Truu Mom