I suppose I am sitting here writing this in the hopes that if I put it "out there" I will quell the ever-annoying, bitching, whining voice inside my own head. I know it's Thanksgiving, and I know I have more than a handful of things to be thankful for. I really am thankful, but right now, the thought of pulling myself up and out of my bed, dressing in a manner that includes a bra and clean jeans and trying not to bring people down with my ever-annoying, bitching, whining out-loud voice is pretty freakin' exhausting at this juncture.
I can honestly admit that I don't know what my issue is or that I can find the words to accurately explain what I am feeling because this is what it is not -- I am not sad to be considered "single" again. I am not sad that I answer to myself and only myself (oh and those little darlings of mine from time to time). I am not sad (too much) that I have a full-time, well-paying job to go to. I am not sad that I am in charge of me and the kids. I am not sad that I get the final say overall. I am most certainly not sad that I have a whole future ahead of what could bes instead of what ifs.
Perhaps I'm mourning the what could have beens a little bit, but in reflecting upon that, there were more cons than there were pros to my "previous" life. I suppose that's an underlying issue; that I wish I had been able to change the outcome or that I had the foresight or the instinct to know when things were going to shit. Of course, however, there is always the flip side; I am meant to go down this path because this is what is meant for me and my family as something is waiting for us somewhere along here.
In re-reading this I am fully aware that I sound like a whining, sniveling little spoiled brat and that some people may be rolling their eyes saying, oh shut it April, because so many others have so much less than you or have it so much worse than you. In response to any negativity from the public eye I will state that this is my life and this is what I am currently going through and I am the one that has to overcome this obstacle that's in front of me so keep your judging words away from me and focus on your own obstacles. I am not on anyone else's road and they are not on mine so to each their own troubles and triumphs.
Regardless, I am thankful for many, many things in my life, and I don't take those lightly and/or for granted. I suppose the most thankful thing I have is my mind; a mind that is able to process this bullshit and come to an understanding (eventually) and make sense out of what is going on with and around me. It makes it a lot easier to learn, accept and move on from that which is trying to hold you down than it is to try and beat down and "win" against said thing that is trying to hold you down. (I should probably re-read that sentence two or three times to grasp what the hell I was trying to convey.)
If you've stuck with me this far into my ramblings, I thank you. It just really helps to "put it out there" sometimes and bounce my words off of other people. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and no matter what your current situation may be, good or bad, that you make it your own and put a wonderful twist on it so that when the day is over you can lay your head down with a smile on your face.
*cheers my friends*
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