Thursday, January 24, 2013

Rantings of a Sick and Whiny Bitch...

I am sick.  I have not been sick in a long time.  I am, however, grateful that I am not sick like most of you people have been.  I just happened to get my daughter's head cold.  That's what I get for snuggling her and kissing her goodnight I suppose.  How dare she get me sick after all I do for her.

I'm sitting here in my pink fluffy robe, a cuddlescarf that barely leaves my neck, a hat and slippers.  Yes, I have my heat turned on.  I just refuse to get a chill.  That's the worst -- oh, and not sleeping.  So with not sleeping comes a torrent of bullshit that won't stop entering my mind.  The biggest bullshit line I keep telling myself not to believe myself when I tell myself is that I keep making some seriously fucked up mistakes that are going to one day land my kids in therapy.  It seems as if every move I've made on the game board the past couple of years has been the exact opposite of what I should have been doing.  I mean I swear I thought I had learned some lessons from prior wrong moves made, but at this point in time it seems like I can't get out of my own way and can't possibly stop myself from screwing up.  So at about 3:00 a.m. this train of thought needed to be derailed and thought as logically as possible.  These moves I'm making are supposed to be made because it is within these moves that I will get what I need, what I'm searching for and will eventually get.  I will eventually reach the spot of security that I will second-guess every chance I get but never take for granted because it seems so long since I've felt that.  I worry about that because I hope I am not reflecting my feelings of insecurity onto my children.  They should never feel that way every, and it is my job as their mother, the authority figure, to make sure that I not pass that shit onto them.

I'm working on about 3.25 hours of sleep right now and my foggy head wants to lay down on this desk and pretend something, anything better than how I'm feeling.  I know this is just another moment I need to work through, and one day I will reach the point where it won't be so hard to work through.  I'm going with that day should be a nice spring day sitting out in my nice big backyard overlooking the water that is hitting my backyard watching the ducks swimming by with a cup of coffee in my hand and the morning sun warming my face.  Yes, that is exactly what I'm striving for, working so hard for, that exact moment that I know isn't too far off.  It may only be January, but if I can make it to my newly envisioned happy place, then I'll continue to beat the bullshit that gets thrown my way.  I suppose I'll dig a little bit deeper now and hold on just a little bit longer because a day like that here in New England, in my very own backyard, does exist sooner rather than later.

*cheers my friends*

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Monday, January 7, 2013

Why, Hello There...

Yes, I am still around.  Yes, I do still exist.  In fact, I am finally doing more than just existing so that's a wonderful thing.  Do I teeter?  Sure as shit I definitely do.  Do I throw pity parties for no reason other than I want to cry just because?  Yes, yes, I do, but I am here.  I can breathe without it hurting every day.  In fact, I can go days breathing now without it hurting.  It's a nice feeling when you stop and think about the past week and realize you can't pinpoint an exact moment of pain.  It's quite the opposite of what it used to be; being unable to pinpoint an exact moment of happiness.  So, clearly, I'm moving on, moving past, moving through.

With the holidays behind us and a normal routine beginning once again, yesterday the kids and I had a very long overdue pajama day.  No one put shoes on as we didn't even step out of the house.  I got snuggles and giggles all day.  I noticed the little things that I've been missing and am so glad I made a conscious effort to stop for a whole day.  My ass went numb from doing absolutely nothing all day.  It was as perfect a Sunday as I could have asked for.

I am also grateful to be able to say that I am no longer at the beginning of my new "journey."  I'd never wish that shit on anyone that's for certain.  I call bullshit on myself actually.  I should be honest and say that, yes, yes, I do wish that on one person in particular but I'm only human and shouldn't be condemned for it.  Now I'm regressing so back to where I was trying to go with these thoughts of mine.  I do not wish to ever be in that beginning place again.  It was dark and lonely and frighteningly sad.  I will forever be learning more about myself and for that I am grateful.  Now that I've started to open my eyes and look at and listen to myself, I'm not so scary.  Sometimes it sucks to realize something new about yourself, but in the end it always feels so good because being aware feels so much better than hiding. 

I've always tried to hold onto the comforting thought that this new road I'm on will bring me new adventures and new people.  I'm happy to report that I have already had the pleasure of having a new person come into my life and share her friendship with me.  It's nice to add her into the mix of my world because my days are better having her around.  If all I get is one new friendship out of this mess I was in, then I consider it a blessing.  However, I know in my heart that I will have many more blessings to count as I continue along because now that I am holding my head high, my whole perspective is changing, and with a new perspective comes new chances of not missing the important moments and the important people.

*cheers my friends*