Yes, I am still around. Yes, I do still exist. In fact, I am finally doing more than just existing so that's a wonderful thing. Do I teeter? Sure as shit I definitely do. Do I throw pity parties for no reason other than I want to cry just because? Yes, yes, I do, but I am here. I can breathe without it hurting every day. In fact, I can go days breathing now without it hurting. It's a nice feeling when you stop and think about the past week and realize you can't pinpoint an exact moment of pain. It's quite the opposite of what it used to be; being unable to pinpoint an exact moment of happiness. So, clearly, I'm moving on, moving past, moving through.
With the holidays behind us and a normal routine beginning once again, yesterday the kids and I had a very long overdue pajama day. No one put shoes on as we didn't even step out of the house. I got snuggles and giggles all day. I noticed the little things that I've been missing and am so glad I made a conscious effort to stop for a whole day. My ass went numb from doing absolutely nothing all day. It was as perfect a Sunday as I could have asked for.
I am also grateful to be able to say that I am no longer at the beginning of my new "journey." I'd never wish that shit on anyone that's for certain. I call bullshit on myself actually. I should be honest and say that, yes, yes, I do wish that on one person in particular but I'm only human and shouldn't be condemned for it. Now I'm regressing so back to where I was trying to go with these thoughts of mine. I do not wish to ever be in that beginning place again. It was dark and lonely and frighteningly sad. I will forever be learning more about myself and for that I am grateful. Now that I've started to open my eyes and look at and listen to myself, I'm not so scary. Sometimes it sucks to realize something new about yourself, but in the end it always feels so good because being aware feels so much better than hiding.
I've always tried to hold onto the comforting thought that this new road I'm on will bring me new adventures and new people. I'm happy to report that I have already had the pleasure of having a new person come into my life and share her friendship with me. It's nice to add her into the mix of my world because my days are better having her around. If all I get is one new friendship out of this mess I was in, then I consider it a blessing. However, I know in my heart that I will have many more blessings to count as I continue along because now that I am holding my head high, my whole perspective is changing, and with a new perspective comes new chances of not missing the important moments and the important people.
*cheers my friends*