Thursday, January 24, 2013

Rantings of a Sick and Whiny Bitch...

I am sick.  I have not been sick in a long time.  I am, however, grateful that I am not sick like most of you people have been.  I just happened to get my daughter's head cold.  That's what I get for snuggling her and kissing her goodnight I suppose.  How dare she get me sick after all I do for her.

I'm sitting here in my pink fluffy robe, a cuddlescarf that barely leaves my neck, a hat and slippers.  Yes, I have my heat turned on.  I just refuse to get a chill.  That's the worst -- oh, and not sleeping.  So with not sleeping comes a torrent of bullshit that won't stop entering my mind.  The biggest bullshit line I keep telling myself not to believe myself when I tell myself is that I keep making some seriously fucked up mistakes that are going to one day land my kids in therapy.  It seems as if every move I've made on the game board the past couple of years has been the exact opposite of what I should have been doing.  I mean I swear I thought I had learned some lessons from prior wrong moves made, but at this point in time it seems like I can't get out of my own way and can't possibly stop myself from screwing up.  So at about 3:00 a.m. this train of thought needed to be derailed and thought as logically as possible.  These moves I'm making are supposed to be made because it is within these moves that I will get what I need, what I'm searching for and will eventually get.  I will eventually reach the spot of security that I will second-guess every chance I get but never take for granted because it seems so long since I've felt that.  I worry about that because I hope I am not reflecting my feelings of insecurity onto my children.  They should never feel that way every, and it is my job as their mother, the authority figure, to make sure that I not pass that shit onto them.

I'm working on about 3.25 hours of sleep right now and my foggy head wants to lay down on this desk and pretend something, anything better than how I'm feeling.  I know this is just another moment I need to work through, and one day I will reach the point where it won't be so hard to work through.  I'm going with that day should be a nice spring day sitting out in my nice big backyard overlooking the water that is hitting my backyard watching the ducks swimming by with a cup of coffee in my hand and the morning sun warming my face.  Yes, that is exactly what I'm striving for, working so hard for, that exact moment that I know isn't too far off.  It may only be January, but if I can make it to my newly envisioned happy place, then I'll continue to beat the bullshit that gets thrown my way.  I suppose I'll dig a little bit deeper now and hold on just a little bit longer because a day like that here in New England, in my very own backyard, does exist sooner rather than later.

*cheers my friends*

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