I almost forgot how much I like to write, but I also remember that I hate to re-read my prior sad, bitchy, whining, sometimes funny posts because most days I walk this fine line where any little thing could kick me in the face and force me to my knees so I tend to steer clear of putting my words on "paper." Today, however, I find myself feeling really strong, and it really is no surprise that I feel this way on a Friday morning after taking my spin class (yes, I still consider it mine even though I've been MIA for a few months now) and visiting with one of the few women I hold very high up because she always has the right words for any given moment without even trying.
There I was feeling all smug that I was still able to hold my own in this class because let's face it, no amount of running (or insert whatever it is that is your go-to exercise) can prepare you for the onslaught of a crotch killing, cardio blasting meltdown that is this class, and I was quickly reminded of how far I've come in a relatively short time. There was a time about eight/nine months ago that I would come to this particular class just because I knew I could forget about what was going on in my personal life for 60/65/70 minutes. It was what I looked forward to; a moment's peace that I could grab onto for a short period of time. My brain reminded me today of the many times I would leave that class with Gail's words ringing in my ears and cry alone in my car before I went home. I felt so overwhelmed, and I could not see that I would ever be able to crawl outside of this hole I had fallen into. Her words (and that every other day sob-fest) were the only thing in that moment that helped me find myself again and try again the next day. Okay, in all honesty, I will admit that the kids' survival had something to do with it too, but they often get all bitchy and shit so sometimes they weren't entirely the reason I kept going.
I could do the whole "thank you list" of people that have helped pick my sorry, pathetic, bitchy ass back up but that list continues to grow, and I'd hate to miss anyone. I will say that today was the first day in a very long time that I didn't have to pick myself up and keep going. This morning is a day where I truly feel like it's all ahead of me now but not as far as I once thought it was and completely within my reach to get it. That, my friends, is not a place I really thought I'd be in or at least not for a much longer time. Hell, even my therapist is impressed so I gotta pat myself on the back for taking that first step so many months ago. I should pat myself on the back for a lot of things, but that sounds way too cocky right now, and I am a big believer in that shit comes back to bite me in the face so I'll just stick to what I know. The one thing that I do know is that it's always been up to me to fix the very-broken girl that lives inside me, and while I'm still healing, I can finally see that the struggle, turmoil and all the tears shed will eventually be worth the bruises I've gotten.