Friday, March 11, 2011

Dear Bad Mood...

(So I wrote this for a place that is holding me accountable for my eating and exercising.  I'm having a crappy day so I thought I would post this here for anyone's viewing pleasure and also to remind me why I should shake this bad mood off before it consumes me...too late.  *insert picture of a well with hands trying to climb out*  that's me)

So I stand before you an emotional mess most times.  Some times I have the energy to hide it.  Sometimes I have the energy to change it.  Sometimes I don't have the care to do either, and I let you see my mess.  It's okay for those who truly know me, want to know me or are just as much of a mess as I am and don't care.

However, I do not like being a negative nut on MFP.  That's not why I joined this place.  I joined it because it's free to be honest.  I didn't realize how many awesome (and not so awesome) people this place held.  I've clicked with some, loved a few, rolled my eyes at many a-post, virtual-hugged fiercely those I felt needed it.

I let my negativity come out this morning, and I got mad at myself for I don't want people to see that part of me because I am so much more than that.  So with my negativity open to the public of my friends I went to the gym.  I dropped my little boy off and worked out, which to be quite honest didnt help a whole lot because, to me, working out is like cleaning the house; all I do is think about what I wish I had the balls to say out loud.  That doesn't change my mood.

I went and picked up my little boy from the gym daycare to see some little girl ripping a piece of paper out of his hand and pushing him.  I grabbed the piece of paper out of the little girl's hand and scolded her.  OOFF this was so not the right thing to do in my mind, but I couldn't stop myself.  Layla, my favorite staff person, asked me what happened.  I told her and I walked away.

While sitting on the floor putting my son's shoes on she asked me if I was okay in such a caring tone that I started crying.  She asked me what happened, and I told her I didnt know.  I had no idea and that I was sorry for being a mess and how stupid I felt.  She looked at me and said, "April, life is hard and it's okay.  Come here.  I want to show you something."  She handed me the newspaper which had the title, 'Man Found After Two Years for Killing Friend."  I asked her what was this and she informed me that this is the man that killed her husband, her children's father, two years ago.

I stared at her and started crying.  I told her how sorry I was and that I can't imagine how terrible of a loss this was for her and her three children as I've come to know this girl as an amazing mom and caregiver over the past few months.  I hugged her and told her how selfish I was for feeling so emotional today over something I had no idea what it was.  She promptly scolded me and told me not to think that way.  It's okay to have "those days" and that we aren't alone.

I cried all the way home.  I will hug her when I see her tomorrow and hope that at lease an ounce of her strength finds its way to me.  If it doesn't, that only means she needs it all, and I won't steal it from her.  I will, however, try hard to stand tall like her for she has many reasons to fall.  I'll thank her for her kindness, not only to my son, but to me as well, and I will treasure it always.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes it takes someone else to help put things in perspective, doesn't it?