Choose Your Battles

As I mom, I am quite familiar with the phrase "choose your battles," and I try to remember that and to choose wisely with a fifteen-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son.  However, when it comes to myself, I don't choose wisely.  I choose the option of least resistance because that is what I figure will afford me some peace in my world.  Basically, I choose to be the people pleaser.  I choose to please everyone else around me so that I will not make waves.  I always back down because I feel guilty.  I feel guilty for what; putting myself first, putting my mental health first and putting my well-being first.  

I am on year four of doing this, being the people pleaser, and it has gotten me nowhere positive.  It has gotten me to a spot of constant anxiety for months on end until I hold my breath and hope the holidays pass without too much bloodshed.  Yet, come January I always notice that there was, in fact, the bloodshed that I was trying so desperately to keep away, except I was the only one seeing it because it was only on me.  By not putting myself first out of fear of hurting others, I am damaging myself.  

I think that this is the year I put me first; the fourth year.  I still see guilt in my future, but taking care of myself and my well-being only helps myself and the people that live in my house.  I can stop beating myself up inside and stop taking my anxiety out on the ones that live with me daily.  It really is not fair to take my issues out on the people that love me and only want to help me be happy.

I listened to a song this morning on my way into work that I've listened to at least three dozen times over the past couple of months, and the kids can attest to it as we sing all the songs all the time when they come on, but this one stuck out this morning.  It made me sad because I realized that it is time for me to stand up for myself and my feelings because I cannot walk around with the constant anxiety and fear for another year.  

This is about half the song, the parts that mean the most to me, the words that resonated within my head bouncing between my ears over and over again until I came to my sad realization that I need to put my well-being first and it hurts to do so despite it being the very right thing to do:

If you decide to live by, what you think's wrong and what's right
Believe me you'll begin to wish you were sleeping
Your weeping will creep in your head and you'll cry
But if we wake up every morning and decide what we believe
We can take apart our very heart and the light will set us free

How frustrating and so degrading
His time, we're wasting
As time will fly by and the sky will cry as light is fading
And he is waiting, oh so patiently
While we repeat the same routine as we will please comfortability
Please don't think about why you can't sleep in the evening
And please don't be afraid of what your soul is really thinking
Your soul knows good and evil, your soul knows both sides
And it's time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine

- Isle of Flightless Birds; Twenty One Pilots

Since I cannot bring back the past of holiday fun and laughter and good cheer, I will conquer the demons within myself and hope that people can understand I am not out to hurt them but to heal myself from the hurt that is still sitting inside my mind and my chest.  I will do my very best to remember that I cannot control the way people react to the things I say and do, but that I am in complete control of how I react to the reactions of others.  I need to remember that no matter how difficult it can be at times because this is what my mind and soul need.  

It is time to face this anxiety as it is not going to get any better by ignoring it.  I wish "normal" was what I am, but it is not.  I have accepted that and must move forward with it.  Wish me luck.

*cheers*