Monday, June 22, 2015

Bucket Lists and Anxiety

I should be fast asleep, but my arm won't let me.  Just when I think I have a hold of my anxiety, something takes a tighter hold and creates the wormhole I try to avoid...daily.

The older I get the more often I hear about bucket lists.  I think they're stupid.  I mean if you want to go somewhere, do something, make an impact in your world or someone else and their world, why in the hell do you need to put it on a piece of paper in list form and cross it off as you go?!  It strikes me odd that I think this way as I am a list maker, a line crosser-offer if you will.  I like to accomplish things, tasks big and small, things that matter to others, things that matter only to myself.  I wish not to travel to all these far away places to make me feel as if I have meaning in my life.  The things that matter most to me in this world are family and friends and the smiles I put on their faces or the hands that I hold during turmoil, the hugs that I give for no reason, the bridges I help cross or help me cross...these are the things that make my life feel fulfilled.

I think about the people in my "real world" and the people in my "online community," and I find that the only difference in "real" and "online" is defined by those who I have hugged and those who I have not.  My online friends are just as real as my daily friends; I want to hug each and every one of them equally and thank them for being a part of my world in whatever way it is they are here.  My group of real world friends is about as small as my group of online friends.  That is just how I work; I would rather have a small group of people to hold in my hand and give my heart to than to spread it all around to just anyone.

So in my state of anxiety and my inability to sleep I start thinking about my people, my small group of people who I love without question.  I am having a real hard time being out of work right now because I am part of a team at work.  I enjoy being part of that team, and all my work is falling upon one person at the moment.  She is my friend, and I can't even begin to thank her for not once thinking poorly of me (or at least letting me know she's thinking poorly of me) and not for one second dropping the ball.  She has picked up where I suddenly left off without warning.  I know she is thinking exactly like I do; you have to do what you have to do to keep the team going.  I love her for that and for so many more reasons than I have time for.  

I am so grateful for all the behind the scenes check-ins I've been receiving.  I'm so very loved, and I didn't really realize how very loved I am.  I mean I "know" I'm loved, but when someone checks in on you that you haven't talked to in months, you kind of give pause and an extra thank you for the person(s) reaching out to you.  I can't begin to name every person that has meaning to me because if I start a list that so many of you love to do, it becomes overwhelming and so long.  I also know I would surely leave someone out and then I would feel like an asshole, and I already feel like an asshole more often than not so I won't intentionally do it to myself.

Back to the bucket list I started talking about, and not to sound melancholy and sorry for myself, but rather just trying to keep it real, my bucket list does not hold places I want to go to, but rather people I want to go to and hug, people that after I hug them I want to be shown what their town is like, what their world holds for them, the people that they call family and friends.  One of my biggest fears is loving these people from afar, having relationships with them and growing old never being able to hug them, knowing so much about them but never being able to see their smile in front of my face.  

I don't really have any desire to leave the States (except to head to Australia for that one special dollface).  My desire is to meet and stand for a moment in the world of the people I consider my friends.  My bucket list isn't very long for as I mentioned earlier I keep my group small.  However, I fear I won't be able to see those faces that mean so much to me.  I have no idea where to start or how to start to get to those faces which I suppose is what is keeping me up tonight, which I have to tell you is a bugger of a thing right now.  I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow, and all I can do is think about the people I care about.  

If I haven't thanked you lately for extending a hand or a kind word to me, please know it is not because I have forgotten about it but simply because there are not enough hours in the day to send everyone love all at once.  Thank you for being the laugh I need at the exact moment I need it, the swoon in my heart when I didn't realize I was looking for it.  You all should know by now the way I get through shit is by finding the humor in it, and I thank you for being the exact amount of humor and love at just the right moments.

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