The frustration inside builds until I either want to cry or I end up lashing out at someone, anyone, and it's never the person(s) that is/are the root of that frustration. I'm trying to believe that not everyone is an asshole, and so when I let that teetering wall I own budge a little and let someone in, I let them in full force. I mean, shit, why bother letting anyone in if you're not going to be 100%; all or nothing in my book. There surely is no point in being half a friend or half a lover or half a shoulder to cry on.
I will never understand the way some human beings exist on this earth and continue to treat people the way they do. I am not of the understanding of befriending someone to get something from them. That idea is foreign to me. I also don't understand at this time in my life how I am so naive in the workings of the human population and how I can get it so fucking wrong so many fucking times.
This is the definition of a friend:
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard;
2. a person who gives assistance; a patron; supporter;
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.
This really isn't all that hard of a feat to accomplish with people. Why can't we all be so black and white insisting that you're either friend or foe. In simplistic terms, grow up. If you find yourself not falling into the above three with an individual, stop faking it. Trust me, they won't mind if you go away because when you go away you take with you all the fake and fake is not anything I need in my days.
I don't wish for anything but contentment in my life. It's already complicated enough with divorces and family bullshit and children's needs and work that I wish not to add the fake into the mix. However, I'm a sucker and will give my heart to anyone who might need it. I mean, it's big enough to offer up to those in need. However, shame on you for taking advantage of the kindness I offer and that of many others that you treat in such a manner.
I'm going to try my fucking hardest to reclaim my wall that has been played with. I wish I could say thank you to the handful of assholes that are roaming in and out of my days right now, but the harm you cause trickles down to the ones I love, and for that you disgust me. When I look past you, please know that it's because I have written you out as you do not deserve the love and the trust you were one given so freely. I'll be busy looking at those that hold my heart close to them looking to me for nothing but compassion and friendship. I'll wipe my frustration tears away, but you can't wipe away the black ash that sits upon you weighing you down that only those you've betrayed can see.