...silly me though, it's been approximately one a half months. How can it seem like a half a lifetime has passed -- and could I be any more melodramatic?!
This blog is exhausting the fuck out of me. The only fucking time I come here and write is when something detrimental (or fucked up in laymens' terms) happens. I'm tired of it. Where are the posts of silly stupid things because I have had PLENTY of those things happen. Just at Home Depot on Friday in fact or, or even at Target the other day with the parting of the seas and Moses -- yeah, those of you who have heard the story know what I'm talking about.
Anyways, I have funnies ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I really do; whether it's seriously something silly or just something I choose to find humor in because, fuck it, isn't that what every day life is all about -- finding the silly fucked up shit to tell stories about to people. I know, I really, really know that humor is what gets me through in life. I love to make people smile. I love to make people laugh. I even love to make people roll their eyes at me because behind said eye-rolling is a smile.
I am going to admit right now -- I am fucking tired. I'm not quitting or any stupid shit like that cause mommies and daddies aren't supposed to quit. I'm just admitting defeat. I've pulled up my big girl panties for quite some time now. I'm not quitting. I am, however, admitting I would like a nap now. And by nap I don't mean any long ass session -- an hour, hour and a half would be nice. In that hour and a half I would really appreciate if someone would come to my rescue and fix some of the shit I fucked up. And by fix some of the shit I fucked up I really mean, just rub my head and give me goosebumps and let me fucking sleep for an hour and a half...and when I wake up kiss my nose and have a bowl of chili with extra cheese and sour cream ready for me to eat.
On a side note, I joke about my kids going to need to therapy. I no longer joke about that. I am straight up admitting that I will be sending them to therapy one day. The only thing I hope for is that they see that I'm trying and have always tried and they see that I'm still trying to do right by them by sending them to some third party for guidance. I admit my role in fucking them up. I have never denied it. I'm so fucking sorry my actions have helped put them there (see, I'm not taking full responsibility, two to tango or some fuckery like that), but I really hope one day they forgive me for my role in their fucked-up-ness because I love them so much. I want to, and have to hope that, the path I put them on leads them to some greater and better understanding of themselves and the world they live in. I hope they find the compassion I dream of for them and that compassion lives on in their future - and that they forgive me and realize I didn't intentionally mean to fuck up their world but that because I love them so much I will take the blame and try to get them to a better place...the place I always wanted them to be -- better than "here"