Monday, May 6, 2013

A Post Filled with Profanity is the Only Way I Roll...

I have two children who are such ungrateful little assbags.  You know I made you feel better by saying out loud exactly what you've thought on at least one occasion (although my money is on "more than one").  Besides getting the usual regular life shit like a roof over their heads or a bureau full of new spring and summer clothes or a fridge full of food so that they can bitch to everyone within earshot that they're soooo hungry, they get things like *gasp* birthday party fun with their friends even though it's completely out of my way to go and grab one kid at her dad's house and bring her back to her dad's house on a day that isn't even mine or let's not forget about carting asses around to playgrounds and school dances and playdates and sleepovers and insert here any other pain in the ass thing I do for them just so I can hopefully get a smile at the end of the day.

Therefore, I don't think it's too fucking hard to entertain your asses for an hour while I begrudgingly mow the goddamn lawn.  You would have thought I took a hatchet to my daughter's ankle and left her bleeding in the backyard while I sipped on wine and laughed and pointed at her when I asked her to play with her brother while I did my chores on a shit ass Monday nonetheless.  Instead of slapping the look right off her face, I asked her if she would like to mow the lawn.  You can guess what the answer to that question was.  So, in true pre-teen fucking fashion what does she do; if you said played lovingly with her brother and they both played ring around the fucking rosie and laughed when they all fucking fell down, you're wrong.  I suppose she thought by tormenting her brother and causing him to hit her and yell at her that would make me stop doing said mowing of the goddamn lawn and play fucking trucks.  She was wrong. 

Rather, let me share with you the truth of my reality on this wonderful sunny spring afternoon.  I ripped the earbuds from my ears, stopped the mower and proceeded to not-so-kindly yell across the lawn, "Is it really ALL THAT HARD to play, you know, like kids do, without punching each other or teasing each other or throwing trucks at each other?!  It would be REALLY FREAKIN' FANTASTIC if you would STOP. IT. NOW BEFORE I FREAK OUT!" 

Oh yeah, let me get to the very best part; the part where I slam the earbuds back in my ears, pull the cord to the mower while saying for fucks sakes already, start pushing the fucking lawnmower with a scowl on my face and stare horrifyingly at the two elderly ladies going for a nice stroll down my dead end street.  It was either turn my ass around and pretend I didn't see them or wave like a sweet bitch, but before I can decide what to do, I see before me two ladies who clearly felt my pain because they smiled and waved and gave each other that all knowing look of moms who have been there, done that. *sigh*

I am pleased to announce that the two bags of asses that are my children did stop the fighting shit for the rest of the time.  I have no goddamn idea why because that's not the first time they've been in trouble, but I don't question when small miracles happen right before my eyes.  I accept it and move on to the next fucking chore that I have to do and know that I'll make up for it and be awesome in another mom way the very next chance I get.

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