There is that tell-tale sign of me doing some thinking again; my wrist hurts from twirling my hair into knots. I sit in my car detangling the tiny knots I've twisted my hair into thinking about what it was that I was thinking about. Oh yeah, now I've got it; the usual, my body image issues or what I'll just state plain and simple, my fat ass.
I mean I'm not looking to be this svelte hottie who can prance around in a bikini without a care in the world other than making sure my hair is in just the right place and that I smell just like the bottle of suntan oil I most recently used. Let's face it, folks, my realty is that I'm trying to hide my hips from the beach peoples while trying to make sure my tits don't fall out of my bathing suit hoping to hell no one can smell my pits as I bake in the sun. Fuck it, I've just convinced myself to stay the fuck home and not hit the beach until at least 5:00 p.m. this summer, when the sun is going down and the hotties with their perfectly manicured nails leave for the day.
All I want is for my inner goddess to be happy with her outer shell. There is somewhere the happy place where I accept that I am not going to be the "Perfect 10" (whatever the hell that shit is) and just love myself for being real. Hell, at this point I would be happy to just like myself a tiny bit and to stop berating myself inside my head.
I recently (re)joined a fitness site thinking I sure as hell could use the motivation. That backfired on me as quickly as trusting a fart during a recent bought of sickness. I mean it's not that I'm not happy for those assholes losing weight seemingly so easily. It's just fuck you, I don't need anyone else reminding me of my failures. It's like all those goddamn Facebook posts showing off your Tough Mudder accomplishments; I'm proud of you for said accomplishments because I'm seriously not that shitty of a person, but I hate you for reminding me that I am fully capable of doing something so awesome yet my motivation suffers from the ever so popular incredible and crippling not-giving-a-shit.
So here it comes full circle with my hair twisted into knots that I'm reminding myself yet again that it is up to me and me only to do something for myself, to better myself, to make me like me more. I have amazing qualities that I won't list for you, and I need to take some of those qualities off the shelf, dust them off and use them to remind myself that I am more than the negatives I repeatedly use against me.
I have come quite a long way in the past two years. It's now time to be kind and give my inner goddess a break. She deserves to be treated nicely for she has most certainly kicked some ass as of late. I deserve it as well.
