I almost forgot how much I like to write, but I also remember that I hate to re-read my prior sad, bitchy, whining, sometimes funny posts because most days I walk this fine line where any little thing could kick me in the face and force me to my knees so I tend to steer clear of putting my words on "paper." Today, however, I find myself feeling really strong, and it really is no surprise that I feel this way on a Friday morning after taking my spin class (yes, I still consider it mine even though I've been MIA for a few months now) and visiting with one of the few women I hold very high up because she always has the right words for any given moment without even trying.
There I was feeling all smug that I was still able to hold my own in this class because let's face it, no amount of running (or insert whatever it is that is your go-to exercise) can prepare you for the onslaught of a crotch killing, cardio blasting meltdown that is this class, and I was quickly reminded of how far I've come in a relatively short time. There was a time about eight/nine months ago that I would come to this particular class just because I knew I could forget about what was going on in my personal life for 60/65/70 minutes. It was what I looked forward to; a moment's peace that I could grab onto for a short period of time. My brain reminded me today of the many times I would leave that class with Gail's words ringing in my ears and cry alone in my car before I went home. I felt so overwhelmed, and I could not see that I would ever be able to crawl outside of this hole I had fallen into. Her words (and that every other day sob-fest) were the only thing in that moment that helped me find myself again and try again the next day. Okay, in all honesty, I will admit that the kids' survival had something to do with it too, but they often get all bitchy and shit so sometimes they weren't entirely the reason I kept going.
I could do the whole "thank you list" of people that have helped pick my sorry, pathetic, bitchy ass back up but that list continues to grow, and I'd hate to miss anyone. I will say that today was the first day in a very long time that I didn't have to pick myself up and keep going. This morning is a day where I truly feel like it's all ahead of me now but not as far as I once thought it was and completely within my reach to get it. That, my friends, is not a place I really thought I'd be in or at least not for a much longer time. Hell, even my therapist is impressed so I gotta pat myself on the back for taking that first step so many months ago. I should pat myself on the back for a lot of things, but that sounds way too cocky right now, and I am a big believer in that shit comes back to bite me in the face so I'll just stick to what I know. The one thing that I do know is that it's always been up to me to fix the very-broken girl that lives inside me, and while I'm still healing, I can finally see that the struggle, turmoil and all the tears shed will eventually be worth the bruises I've gotten.
*cheers*
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Rantings of a Sick and Whiny Bitch...
I am sick. I have not been sick in a long time. I am, however, grateful that I am not sick like most of you people have been. I just happened to get my daughter's head cold. That's what I get for snuggling her and kissing her goodnight I suppose. How dare she get me sick after all I do for her.
I'm sitting here in my pink fluffy robe, a cuddlescarf that barely leaves my neck, a hat and slippers. Yes, I have my heat turned on. I just refuse to get a chill. That's the worst -- oh, and not sleeping. So with not sleeping comes a torrent of bullshit that won't stop entering my mind. The biggest bullshit line I keep telling myself not to believe myself when I tell myself is that I keep making some seriously fucked up mistakes that are going to one day land my kids in therapy. It seems as if every move I've made on the game board the past couple of years has been the exact opposite of what I should have been doing. I mean I swear I thought I had learned some lessons from prior wrong moves made, but at this point in time it seems like I can't get out of my own way and can't possibly stop myself from screwing up. So at about 3:00 a.m. this train of thought needed to be derailed and thought as logically as possible. These moves I'm making are supposed to be made because it is within these moves that I will get what I need, what I'm searching for and will eventually get. I will eventually reach the spot of security that I will second-guess every chance I get but never take for granted because it seems so long since I've felt that. I worry about that because I hope I am not reflecting my feelings of insecurity onto my children. They should never feel that way every, and it is my job as their mother, the authority figure, to make sure that I not pass that shit onto them.
I'm working on about 3.25 hours of sleep right now and my foggy head wants to lay down on this desk and pretend something, anything better than how I'm feeling. I know this is just another moment I need to work through, and one day I will reach the point where it won't be so hard to work through. I'm going with that day should be a nice spring day sitting out in my nice big backyard overlooking the water that is hitting my backyard watching the ducks swimming by with a cup of coffee in my hand and the morning sun warming my face. Yes, that is exactly what I'm striving for, working so hard for, that exact moment that I know isn't too far off. It may only be January, but if I can make it to my newly envisioned happy place, then I'll continue to beat the bullshit that gets thrown my way. I suppose I'll dig a little bit deeper now and hold on just a little bit longer because a day like that here in New England, in my very own backyard, does exist sooner rather than later.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom on FB
I'm sitting here in my pink fluffy robe, a cuddlescarf that barely leaves my neck, a hat and slippers. Yes, I have my heat turned on. I just refuse to get a chill. That's the worst -- oh, and not sleeping. So with not sleeping comes a torrent of bullshit that won't stop entering my mind. The biggest bullshit line I keep telling myself not to believe myself when I tell myself is that I keep making some seriously fucked up mistakes that are going to one day land my kids in therapy. It seems as if every move I've made on the game board the past couple of years has been the exact opposite of what I should have been doing. I mean I swear I thought I had learned some lessons from prior wrong moves made, but at this point in time it seems like I can't get out of my own way and can't possibly stop myself from screwing up. So at about 3:00 a.m. this train of thought needed to be derailed and thought as logically as possible. These moves I'm making are supposed to be made because it is within these moves that I will get what I need, what I'm searching for and will eventually get. I will eventually reach the spot of security that I will second-guess every chance I get but never take for granted because it seems so long since I've felt that. I worry about that because I hope I am not reflecting my feelings of insecurity onto my children. They should never feel that way every, and it is my job as their mother, the authority figure, to make sure that I not pass that shit onto them.
I'm working on about 3.25 hours of sleep right now and my foggy head wants to lay down on this desk and pretend something, anything better than how I'm feeling. I know this is just another moment I need to work through, and one day I will reach the point where it won't be so hard to work through. I'm going with that day should be a nice spring day sitting out in my nice big backyard overlooking the water that is hitting my backyard watching the ducks swimming by with a cup of coffee in my hand and the morning sun warming my face. Yes, that is exactly what I'm striving for, working so hard for, that exact moment that I know isn't too far off. It may only be January, but if I can make it to my newly envisioned happy place, then I'll continue to beat the bullshit that gets thrown my way. I suppose I'll dig a little bit deeper now and hold on just a little bit longer because a day like that here in New England, in my very own backyard, does exist sooner rather than later.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom on FB
Monday, January 7, 2013
Why, Hello There...
Yes, I am still around. Yes, I do still exist. In fact, I am finally doing more than just existing so that's a wonderful thing. Do I teeter? Sure as shit I definitely do. Do I throw pity parties for no reason other than I want to cry just because? Yes, yes, I do, but I am here. I can breathe without it hurting every day. In fact, I can go days breathing now without it hurting. It's a nice feeling when you stop and think about the past week and realize you can't pinpoint an exact moment of pain. It's quite the opposite of what it used to be; being unable to pinpoint an exact moment of happiness. So, clearly, I'm moving on, moving past, moving through.
With the holidays behind us and a normal routine beginning once again, yesterday the kids and I had a very long overdue pajama day. No one put shoes on as we didn't even step out of the house. I got snuggles and giggles all day. I noticed the little things that I've been missing and am so glad I made a conscious effort to stop for a whole day. My ass went numb from doing absolutely nothing all day. It was as perfect a Sunday as I could have asked for.
I am also grateful to be able to say that I am no longer at the beginning of my new "journey." I'd never wish that shit on anyone that's for certain. I call bullshit on myself actually. I should be honest and say that, yes, yes, I do wish that on one person in particular but I'm only human and shouldn't be condemned for it. Now I'm regressing so back to where I was trying to go with these thoughts of mine. I do not wish to ever be in that beginning place again. It was dark and lonely and frighteningly sad. I will forever be learning more about myself and for that I am grateful. Now that I've started to open my eyes and look at and listen to myself, I'm not so scary. Sometimes it sucks to realize something new about yourself, but in the end it always feels so good because being aware feels so much better than hiding.
I've always tried to hold onto the comforting thought that this new road I'm on will bring me new adventures and new people. I'm happy to report that I have already had the pleasure of having a new person come into my life and share her friendship with me. It's nice to add her into the mix of my world because my days are better having her around. If all I get is one new friendship out of this mess I was in, then I consider it a blessing. However, I know in my heart that I will have many more blessings to count as I continue along because now that I am holding my head high, my whole perspective is changing, and with a new perspective comes new chances of not missing the important moments and the important people.
*cheers my friends*
With the holidays behind us and a normal routine beginning once again, yesterday the kids and I had a very long overdue pajama day. No one put shoes on as we didn't even step out of the house. I got snuggles and giggles all day. I noticed the little things that I've been missing and am so glad I made a conscious effort to stop for a whole day. My ass went numb from doing absolutely nothing all day. It was as perfect a Sunday as I could have asked for.
I am also grateful to be able to say that I am no longer at the beginning of my new "journey." I'd never wish that shit on anyone that's for certain. I call bullshit on myself actually. I should be honest and say that, yes, yes, I do wish that on one person in particular but I'm only human and shouldn't be condemned for it. Now I'm regressing so back to where I was trying to go with these thoughts of mine. I do not wish to ever be in that beginning place again. It was dark and lonely and frighteningly sad. I will forever be learning more about myself and for that I am grateful. Now that I've started to open my eyes and look at and listen to myself, I'm not so scary. Sometimes it sucks to realize something new about yourself, but in the end it always feels so good because being aware feels so much better than hiding.
I've always tried to hold onto the comforting thought that this new road I'm on will bring me new adventures and new people. I'm happy to report that I have already had the pleasure of having a new person come into my life and share her friendship with me. It's nice to add her into the mix of my world because my days are better having her around. If all I get is one new friendship out of this mess I was in, then I consider it a blessing. However, I know in my heart that I will have many more blessings to count as I continue along because now that I am holding my head high, my whole perspective is changing, and with a new perspective comes new chances of not missing the important moments and the important people.
*cheers my friends*
Monday, November 26, 2012
Five Years...
So apparently it is today, five years ago today that I was in a rented Jeep that had holes in the canopy driving down (or up) towards North Shore in Oahu to get married. It was five years ago today that after the beach ceremony and heading back to Waikiki that it started to rain on our Jeep that had holes in the canopy. Maybe that was a sign then of things to come. Of course, if I had really been paying attention there were always signs around me even before that day five years ago in Hawaii.
I'm sitting here this morning with an unexpected day off of work, a very cold November morning with a scarf around my neck (thanks Brandie), a coffee in a special mug made just for me (thanks Jilly), a heater under my desk (thanks Moca) and slippers on my feet (thanks again Jilly), and I know how much I wish this day was not being spent like this. I mean it's not like my anniversary days were ever spent having tons of sex like a couple of in-lust teenagers skipping school or anything (thanks Brian), but I mean I surely didn't want to spend this day like "this" whatever the fuck "this" is supposed to be.
I'm also sitting here alternating between pissed off and sad; pissed off that apparently for better or worse doesn't mean shit to a lot of people these days, and then sad because apparently I didn't give a shit about for better or worse at one point in time years ago and that the karma train finally reached me. Whatever, whatever, I'm not riding down the pity party train or anything, but rather just being realistic. I'm fucking sad and I'm supposed to own this shit or something like that.
I'm back to being pissed off now because I am wondering when the hell am I going to wake up and NOT have this shit on my mind and just start living my life. This shit is exhausting and is breaking me and causing me to say, do, think some crazy shit, and I would really, really like to make it stop. Clearly, as you can see, I don't know how to make it stop. I'd really just love to wake up and start writing my blog about something not so heavy and find my inner awesome sense of humor again 'cause that's where it's at -- funny. People like funny. People come to read funny. People stay for funny. People didn't sign up for this mess of words I'm pretty sure about that.
*deep breath* *digging deep*
I'm going to get a move-on with this day and make it my bitch or at least try. I'm hungry (that's a good sign) so I suppose I'll make some breakfast, do a little side work (thanks transcription) and focus on me and when the kids come home from school do my awesome mommy routine because let's face it, I'm pretty good at that shit when I try.
*cheers friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook
I'm sitting here this morning with an unexpected day off of work, a very cold November morning with a scarf around my neck (thanks Brandie), a coffee in a special mug made just for me (thanks Jilly), a heater under my desk (thanks Moca) and slippers on my feet (thanks again Jilly), and I know how much I wish this day was not being spent like this. I mean it's not like my anniversary days were ever spent having tons of sex like a couple of in-lust teenagers skipping school or anything (thanks Brian), but I mean I surely didn't want to spend this day like "this" whatever the fuck "this" is supposed to be.
I'm also sitting here alternating between pissed off and sad; pissed off that apparently for better or worse doesn't mean shit to a lot of people these days, and then sad because apparently I didn't give a shit about for better or worse at one point in time years ago and that the karma train finally reached me. Whatever, whatever, I'm not riding down the pity party train or anything, but rather just being realistic. I'm fucking sad and I'm supposed to own this shit or something like that.
I'm back to being pissed off now because I am wondering when the hell am I going to wake up and NOT have this shit on my mind and just start living my life. This shit is exhausting and is breaking me and causing me to say, do, think some crazy shit, and I would really, really like to make it stop. Clearly, as you can see, I don't know how to make it stop. I'd really just love to wake up and start writing my blog about something not so heavy and find my inner awesome sense of humor again 'cause that's where it's at -- funny. People like funny. People come to read funny. People stay for funny. People didn't sign up for this mess of words I'm pretty sure about that.
*deep breath* *digging deep*
I'm going to get a move-on with this day and make it my bitch or at least try. I'm hungry (that's a good sign) so I suppose I'll make some breakfast, do a little side work (thanks transcription) and focus on me and when the kids come home from school do my awesome mommy routine because let's face it, I'm pretty good at that shit when I try.
*cheers friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Non-Traditional Thanksgiving Ramblings
I suppose I am sitting here writing this in the hopes that if I put it "out there" I will quell the ever-annoying, bitching, whining voice inside my own head. I know it's Thanksgiving, and I know I have more than a handful of things to be thankful for. I really am thankful, but right now, the thought of pulling myself up and out of my bed, dressing in a manner that includes a bra and clean jeans and trying not to bring people down with my ever-annoying, bitching, whining out-loud voice is pretty freakin' exhausting at this juncture.
I can honestly admit that I don't know what my issue is or that I can find the words to accurately explain what I am feeling because this is what it is not -- I am not sad to be considered "single" again. I am not sad that I answer to myself and only myself (oh and those little darlings of mine from time to time). I am not sad (too much) that I have a full-time, well-paying job to go to. I am not sad that I am in charge of me and the kids. I am not sad that I get the final say overall. I am most certainly not sad that I have a whole future ahead of what could bes instead of what ifs.
Perhaps I'm mourning the what could have beens a little bit, but in reflecting upon that, there were more cons than there were pros to my "previous" life. I suppose that's an underlying issue; that I wish I had been able to change the outcome or that I had the foresight or the instinct to know when things were going to shit. Of course, however, there is always the flip side; I am meant to go down this path because this is what is meant for me and my family as something is waiting for us somewhere along here.
In re-reading this I am fully aware that I sound like a whining, sniveling little spoiled brat and that some people may be rolling their eyes saying, oh shut it April, because so many others have so much less than you or have it so much worse than you. In response to any negativity from the public eye I will state that this is my life and this is what I am currently going through and I am the one that has to overcome this obstacle that's in front of me so keep your judging words away from me and focus on your own obstacles. I am not on anyone else's road and they are not on mine so to each their own troubles and triumphs.
Regardless, I am thankful for many, many things in my life, and I don't take those lightly and/or for granted. I suppose the most thankful thing I have is my mind; a mind that is able to process this bullshit and come to an understanding (eventually) and make sense out of what is going on with and around me. It makes it a lot easier to learn, accept and move on from that which is trying to hold you down than it is to try and beat down and "win" against said thing that is trying to hold you down. (I should probably re-read that sentence two or three times to grasp what the hell I was trying to convey.)
If you've stuck with me this far into my ramblings, I thank you. It just really helps to "put it out there" sometimes and bounce my words off of other people. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and no matter what your current situation may be, good or bad, that you make it your own and put a wonderful twist on it so that when the day is over you can lay your head down with a smile on your face.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook
I can honestly admit that I don't know what my issue is or that I can find the words to accurately explain what I am feeling because this is what it is not -- I am not sad to be considered "single" again. I am not sad that I answer to myself and only myself (oh and those little darlings of mine from time to time). I am not sad (too much) that I have a full-time, well-paying job to go to. I am not sad that I am in charge of me and the kids. I am not sad that I get the final say overall. I am most certainly not sad that I have a whole future ahead of what could bes instead of what ifs.
Perhaps I'm mourning the what could have beens a little bit, but in reflecting upon that, there were more cons than there were pros to my "previous" life. I suppose that's an underlying issue; that I wish I had been able to change the outcome or that I had the foresight or the instinct to know when things were going to shit. Of course, however, there is always the flip side; I am meant to go down this path because this is what is meant for me and my family as something is waiting for us somewhere along here.
In re-reading this I am fully aware that I sound like a whining, sniveling little spoiled brat and that some people may be rolling their eyes saying, oh shut it April, because so many others have so much less than you or have it so much worse than you. In response to any negativity from the public eye I will state that this is my life and this is what I am currently going through and I am the one that has to overcome this obstacle that's in front of me so keep your judging words away from me and focus on your own obstacles. I am not on anyone else's road and they are not on mine so to each their own troubles and triumphs.
Regardless, I am thankful for many, many things in my life, and I don't take those lightly and/or for granted. I suppose the most thankful thing I have is my mind; a mind that is able to process this bullshit and come to an understanding (eventually) and make sense out of what is going on with and around me. It makes it a lot easier to learn, accept and move on from that which is trying to hold you down than it is to try and beat down and "win" against said thing that is trying to hold you down. (I should probably re-read that sentence two or three times to grasp what the hell I was trying to convey.)
If you've stuck with me this far into my ramblings, I thank you. It just really helps to "put it out there" sometimes and bounce my words off of other people. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and no matter what your current situation may be, good or bad, that you make it your own and put a wonderful twist on it so that when the day is over you can lay your head down with a smile on your face.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom - Facebook
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Grateful....
It's quite amazing how my emotions right now are on a day-to-day basis. It's quite unnerving to go to bed at night not knowing how I'm going to feel in the morning. I don't go to bed saying I'm going to feel like ass tomorrow and cry all day of course, but I have a few seconds of unrest hoping that I wake up stronger tomorrow than I woke up this morning.
The rollercoaster ride has me riding a high today for which I am grateful for. I know all this shit takes time, and I am an impatient girl for sure. I'm trying not to wish for this process to speed up too much because it is in this process that I'm learning a lot about myself. In order to learn about yourself, you need to take the time, as much time as is needed.
I thank you friends and family who have reached out after my post yesterday. I am humbled by your own stories of struggles and your ability to share them with me. It means so much to me to be thought of and the time you have taken to write to me. I can't express enough how grateful I am for you. I am at a point in my world where I will no longer take the little things for granted. However, the things you may think of as little, I consider big at this point. An email with a story attached to it or a quick text message or a little "share" of something funny on Facebook to me, all these things, and many more, are big to me. Your time is important as there is never enough time in our days, and the fact that you would use that time to think of me and send me some love is a big deal to me.
I am now looking forward to making many more memories and taking many more pictures that I can look at and smile and think how grateful I am to have my friends and family nearby.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom
The rollercoaster ride has me riding a high today for which I am grateful for. I know all this shit takes time, and I am an impatient girl for sure. I'm trying not to wish for this process to speed up too much because it is in this process that I'm learning a lot about myself. In order to learn about yourself, you need to take the time, as much time as is needed.
I thank you friends and family who have reached out after my post yesterday. I am humbled by your own stories of struggles and your ability to share them with me. It means so much to me to be thought of and the time you have taken to write to me. I can't express enough how grateful I am for you. I am at a point in my world where I will no longer take the little things for granted. However, the things you may think of as little, I consider big at this point. An email with a story attached to it or a quick text message or a little "share" of something funny on Facebook to me, all these things, and many more, are big to me. Your time is important as there is never enough time in our days, and the fact that you would use that time to think of me and send me some love is a big deal to me.
I am now looking forward to making many more memories and taking many more pictures that I can look at and smile and think how grateful I am to have my friends and family nearby.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Pictures Speak Volumes
I'm obsessing this morning, and I really need to stop it. I'm obsessing about all of my pictures I have whether I am in them or not. I realized awhile ago that most of my pictures are tainted. They all have some sort of shitty ass memory associated with them. This one picture in particular hit me hard this morning as I came to realize that this picture is the day that all my summertime bullshit started to go down. I hate this picture now. I hate that I hate this picture because I'm damn cute in it, but every time I look at it I'm reminded that this is the day I first heard her name, a name that people actually call me sometimes because I guess it's too damn hard to remember the name April? This has been a lifetime of being called another name, and I don't expect it to end any time soon. I'm destined to be reminded of my friend and all the good and bad memories that come with her name for the rest of my days. I do realize, however, that I am in charge of my feelings, and I know I won't always feel this bad. I know hindsight is a damn tricky bullshit of a thing, but damnit, I thought I was a hell of a lot smarter than I acted for the past six, seven months.
I'm trying to own my sadness, own my actions, own my thoughts, and by owning them I am hoping to be able to let them go sooner rather than later. I have learned that nothing good comes out of holding onto bad memories or sad memories. It only hardens you, your soul, and I don't want to be that hard, cold person that I sometimes can be. I have amazing qualities, and I need to dig deep to remember that I am not as shitty as my past actions. I am not that hateful, spiteful bitch that I have let come out of me recently.
These actions and these verbal assaults I have spewed onto people make me sick to my stomach because that is not the person I am. It's amazing how "love" makes us do the unspeakable. In the end, that isn't what "love" is supposed to be about, and I deeply regret the words I have used to try to hurt people. It's amazing how hateful I can turn in a nanosecond.
I know I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I let others' actions affect me. This statement sounds so goddamn easy to put into practice, but it is by far the hardest thing I have had to conquer. I can admit it defeats me from time to time, especially as of late. I know that I need to reach out and apologize for the things I have said, but while part of my heart wants to apologize because I hate hurting people, the other part of my heart is guarded because the wounds are still fresh from "the summer antics that were." I guess I still don't trust myself that I can control how others' actions affect me. In fact, I know I can't say with certainty that I can let it go right now. When I apologize people look at that as a sign of weakness, and I can't trust that they won't get in there and try to break me again.
Of course, re-reading that paragraph makes me sound hard, but I'm not as tough as I sound. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself I'll be okay. I mean I know I will be of course, but it's a long process of healing that should have started long before my marriage started ending. While I wish I had realized that sooner, it will not change the fact that I have no control over my past. I have to learn to accept that what happened has changed the person I am, and eventually, it will have changed me for the better. No matter how bad I feel right now, this time around, I will learn about me, things I need to learn to be the person I wanted to be so long ago but never knew how to do it.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom
I'm trying to own my sadness, own my actions, own my thoughts, and by owning them I am hoping to be able to let them go sooner rather than later. I have learned that nothing good comes out of holding onto bad memories or sad memories. It only hardens you, your soul, and I don't want to be that hard, cold person that I sometimes can be. I have amazing qualities, and I need to dig deep to remember that I am not as shitty as my past actions. I am not that hateful, spiteful bitch that I have let come out of me recently.
These actions and these verbal assaults I have spewed onto people make me sick to my stomach because that is not the person I am. It's amazing how "love" makes us do the unspeakable. In the end, that isn't what "love" is supposed to be about, and I deeply regret the words I have used to try to hurt people. It's amazing how hateful I can turn in a nanosecond.
I know I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I let others' actions affect me. This statement sounds so goddamn easy to put into practice, but it is by far the hardest thing I have had to conquer. I can admit it defeats me from time to time, especially as of late. I know that I need to reach out and apologize for the things I have said, but while part of my heart wants to apologize because I hate hurting people, the other part of my heart is guarded because the wounds are still fresh from "the summer antics that were." I guess I still don't trust myself that I can control how others' actions affect me. In fact, I know I can't say with certainty that I can let it go right now. When I apologize people look at that as a sign of weakness, and I can't trust that they won't get in there and try to break me again.
Of course, re-reading that paragraph makes me sound hard, but I'm not as tough as I sound. I suppose I'm just trying to convince myself I'll be okay. I mean I know I will be of course, but it's a long process of healing that should have started long before my marriage started ending. While I wish I had realized that sooner, it will not change the fact that I have no control over my past. I have to learn to accept that what happened has changed the person I am, and eventually, it will have changed me for the better. No matter how bad I feel right now, this time around, I will learn about me, things I need to learn to be the person I wanted to be so long ago but never knew how to do it.
*cheers my friends*
Confessions of a Truu Mom
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